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I HATE FISH

the girliest thing about me---i dont like fish. i dont like eating, seeing them, touching them or even being in the water with them. they freak me out./ if they touch my leg i scream. i have nightmares about them nibbling on my toes. im perfectly capable of casting a line and reeling it in, in fact im pretty good at it. but someone else has to take it off the hook bc gosh darnit I DONT LIKE FISH

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zachs songs

I wanna-AAR( the most important song between him and I because he had it as his status when I found and he loves soooo much and it keeps coming up, i think it sorta is our song :)

Dirty little secret( our whole relationship is like a big secret and its a pretty hot song)

Sweet Dream- Beyonce(

BreakEven

I was listening to my ipod this morning and I realized that the song Breakeven was written for me and Tammy, and every word has a truth that I can t quite get a hold of by myself.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

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May. 2nd, 2010

Today isn't anything special. It's sunday. Soon I'm gonna go home and work on all my online classes. Yeah definately nothing  exciting there lol. I had a dream about Tammy last night. I don't really remember what happened in the dream but I woke and remebered all the stuff that happened and wanted to cry. She's gone. My best friend, my sister is really and completely gone. I dont even really know her anymore. Its so depressing that I can't ever have her back. I can't ever see her again and hang out like the way we did before. I hate my life. My grandpas dead. Tammy is gone. And Zach is too damn far away. plus my grades suck and theres a possibility that I wont graduate. Can't I have one decent thing in my life? something that actually goes the way I WANT it to?

The night before last I had a dream abbout Zach getting into college on a football schoolarship. He would love that. Thats his dream. So why am I dreaming about it? I mean I love him and I would love it if he was able to play football again. He once told me that he loves football so much that he wouldn't really mind if he dies right there on the feild. I wanted to smack and kiss him at the same time. The fact that Zach loves things so deeply is one of the things I love about him, but God just the thought of him being so willing to give his life for something so silly makes me sooooo grrrrr >:( i mean doesnt he realize how much him dieing would hurt people? Would hurt me? but anyways in the dream I was happy that Zach got what he wanted but I was upset too because it was like he was even farther away from me. Like now that he was playing football he had even more of a reason to be with Janice and stay up there in Illinois. forever.....Even though I am willing to go up there in 2 years I am NOT going to stay up there all my life. one day I am going to come back to Florida. I love it here now. The heat. The beach. The swimming. I used to hate Florida and couldnt wait to get out but now I dread the thought of leaving. My life is here....I need to one day come back. 

May. 1st, 2010

It's been almost 2 weeks since I lost my best friend. No, she wasnt just my best friend. We were closer than sisters. We told eachother everything. We saw eachother everyday. We were so close that sometimes we could FEEL what the other was going through, even when we had no clue and were far away from eachother. YEah, we were so close that we finshed eahother setences like twins. We had so many inside jokes it was like we had invented our own language. I have never been that close to a girl before. I loved her. And I always will. But now its just....goen. and idk what rly happened. I mean yes there were moments when I said things I regret but...I didnt do anything wrong. It started with this new girl. Liz. All of a sudden she was there. And it didnt take to long before she was there with tammy everyday. Everytime I came over she was there. At first I didnt mind. I actually like her. She was funny and had pretty hair....but then I started getting frustrated when everytime I wanted to see tammy I had to see tammy AND liz.. I was getting jealous. So before it got bad I went straight to Tsmmy and told her everything. She asked me if I wanted her to stop hanging out with Liz  completely. Yes thats what I wanted, but I was more than aware of how selfish a request that was. I couldn't ask that of tammy. How would that be fair to her? How would that be fair to Liz? afterall she hadnt done anything wrong to me. and I DIDNT dislike her....what could I do? It got worse. of course. Liz was stillalways there. And they just kept getting closer and closer. They had all these inside jokes now. ones that I ddint understand. It was like THEY were coming up with their own language. When I hung with them I felt like the 3rd wheel, rather than Tammy's best friend of 3years.  I confroted Tammy this time. I told her I felt like I was being replaced. SHe said that I could never ever be replaced. That I was her best friend and thats how it always would be. STill I felt like crap and for a week I didnt speak to her. Then I ddi and we were good friends again. Talking about boys and prom. Then prom came. Tammy came into the dance swaying on her feet. At first I ddint even notice she had been drinking. She was dancing with her date Kole. Tammy hates kole. absolutely cant stand the guy. And i told her before that I kinda liked him. And the way they were dancing...and then he started touching her and kissing her and she let him. I wasnt sure...did she need saved? had she decided she wanted him now? I found her at a table laying in his lap with a very please smile on her face. His habd running all over her. I thought even though she was smiling she still might need to be saved. I told her i needed to talk to her and took her out of earshot from her redheaded date. I took one good look at her and new"have you been drinking?" I asked knowing the answer already.She gesture in the air with her hand to say a lttle as she swayed on her feet. I couldnt believe that she was letting Kole get her drunk. didnt she know what guys did to girls who let them have their way? So I lectured her. I told her that my date and I would take her home, considering kole was worse off than she was and current had his tongue down some random chicks throat on the dance floor. She refused the ride saying she would be fine. So I threatened her. I told her if she didnt come home with me I would call her family. She still refused and I gave up to find my own neglected date. She was upset though and I could tell. I had scared her. but i hoped i did. I didnt want her to wake up the next day dead...or in bed with kole. That night I texted her asking if she had got home safely. I didnt get a reply till the next day about how i shouldnt worry, she had gone straight home. Of course I had been worried, was it so wrong to not want your best friend to make a huge mistake? The I got on fb and Liz Imd me.

Elizabeth
hey
2:27pmAmanda
heyy
whats up?
2:27pmElizabeth
just chillen
how was prom for u
2:27pmAmanda
i had fun :0
:)
hbu?
2:28pmElizabeth
it was insane...
2:28pmAmanda
what happened?
2:28pmElizabeth
just had a hella amazing time with everyone
2:29pmAmanda
yeah u looked like u were having alot of fun too
2:29pmElizabeth
shit i was XD
2:30pmAmanda
lol did u go to any after parties
2:30pmElizabeth
naw...wbu
2:31pmAmanda
i was going to 1 but it was already broken up b4 i got there
2:31pmElizabeth
oh that sux
i chilled with tammy
2:32pmAmanda
yeah somehthing about a shooting or something
2:32pmElizabeth
great parties ur goin to
2:33pmAmanda
lol well it was like the only 1
EVERY1 Wwas going
2:33pmElizabeth
westgate was full of parties
2:33pmAmanda
even other proms
yeahh
2:34pmElizabeth
...
so wy do i get the feeling that u dnt like me...
2:35pmAmanda
why would u feel that?
2:35pmElizabeth
jus cuz the way you speak to me around tammy and wen im in tammys presence with you its always tension
2:37pmAmanda
idk...ig its bc i know tammy so well and u guys r rly tight and stuff...and u know i dont rly know u very well yet
but its not that i dont like u
2:37pmElizabeth
well...theres no need to be jealous about me and tammy...it not like your making the effort to get to know me...
2:38pmAmanda
who said i was jealous?
2:38pmElizabeth
just seems like that
where were you all spring break?
wy didnt you chill with tammy and i?
2:38pmAmanda
at my grandmas
2:39pmElizabeth
not the whole time im sure..u had enough time to go to the mall for 3 hrs...
2:40pmAmanda
yeah then i went to her house that night
2:40pmElizabeth
after the mall?
2:40pmAmanda
yep and i stayed till friday and i had to help with my family
and saturday i hung out with drew
2:41pmElizabeth
well i dnt need to know your schedule i was just asking...
i just dnt want to have a tension wen theres nothing there to be mad about
and i dnt want it seem like im being talked about to tammy...cuz who know wat u nd tammy talk about..yah know?
2:44pmElizabeth
?
2:51pmAmanda
sorry i got a fone call
2:53pmElizabeth
and
2:56pmElizabeth
r still on that call or u just dnt know wat to say back
2:56pmAmanda
h,o still talking sorry
2:56pmElizabeth
w.e
3:02pmAmanda
ok again im sorry. it was my cousion. anyways im sorry i seemed tense or w.e. i do like u. im just used to it being just tammy and me. its been that way for 3 yrs so im still getting used to it being tammy me and u. give me some time and ill open up more around u.
3:03pmElizabeth
well the way tammy tells me about things involved with you it seems like you dnt like me being around you...and tammy isnt talking shit so dnt think that way
3:05pmAmanda
well i know she wasnt talking shit
3:06pmElizabeth
just making sure so u dnt yell at her about it
3:06pmAmanda
im not going to
what she did is wrong but it doesnt suprise me anymore
3:07pmElizabeth
ok..
wat did she do wrong?
3:08pmAmanda
if i wanted u to know everything i would have told u myself
she knew that
3:08pmElizabeth
then wy shit talk about me to tammy and say to my face?
and believe me if u were standing next to me id be having this convo with you face to face
3:08pmAmanda
and she knew that i dint want to involve u bc it wasnt fair to u
i havent been shit talking u
about*
3:09pmElizabeth
how is it not fair to me wen im the subject of the shit talking...and tammy told me bc she didnt think it was fair..how wld u like it if your best friend knew someone was shit talking about you
wats the big problem with me hanging out with tammy..
3:10pmAmanda
there isnt one. im over it
and it isnt YOU
3:10pmElizabeth
then wtf is it?
r u sure ur over it?
3:12pmAmanda
its ME and my personal feelings. and i dont have to explain them to u. and if u want to have any kind of friend ship with me then u wont keep digging into bc then i WILL start disliking u. so i would just drop it. its over now anyways
3:13pmElizabeth
and yesterday at prom after ur little "talk" with tammy which from my point of u it was u lecturing her she came up to me almost in tears saying that u were going to tell her mom...what kind of BESTFRIEND are YOU?
and im not gna drop it cuz im not gna feel like im being talked about..idc if u dnt like me..frankly i have nothing to compete with...
3:13pmAmanda
again i dont have to explain anything to u
3:14pmElizabeth
dnt be a fcking chicken
say wat u need to say so u dnt have to go crying to tammy later
or zack or ur stalker for that matter
3:15pmAmanda
im not going to "crying to tammy" i havent for a while. and im not doing it again
3:16pmElizabeth
well im sure her shoulder wont be open for you to cry on..how much shit can tammy take before she gets fed up with it
and wats the shit with you going to almost party..telling tammy that shes going home with you..i think shes a big girl..you didnt birth her..she doesnt have to answer to you or anyone else but her mother
comprende?
3:17pmAmanda
yeah and i dont have to answer to u
3:17pmElizabeth
well at least im saying shit to you..ur over on the other end holding everything in
fake
all im saying is dnt shit talk about me or ill give you something to shit talk about...kk =)
3:18pmAmanda
look
i have tried to tell u
3:19pmElizabeth
when!
3:19pmAmanda
i HAVENT been shit talking u
3:19pmElizabeth
in ur dreams
or u fcking serious
3:19pmAmanda
i never have
3:19pmElizabeth
really now
BULLSHIT
the dirty looks,,,the whispering to tammy..i dnt have stupid writtin on my forehead
come on..just say what you need to say and spare me the wonder of what you'll be complaining about next
i have told tammy that it looks like u 2 were becoming bestfriends and that im being pushed out. i asked for more alone time with her so when we hang out its not like im th 3rd wheel. there was no shit talking and nothing against u
and im not taking u lecturing me and telling me about shit i havent done
so either stop yelling or im just not talkign anymore
3:24pmElizabeth
well news flash hunny cuz im lecturing you..get over it..im sure tammy hates ur lectures like ur her mother
u realize this is a computer..i cnt yell
way to walk away from your problems
3:25pmAmanda
fine well u can type on the comp by urself
3:25pmElizabeth
haha
3:25pmAmanda
imm geting off i dont have to listen to this
bye
3:25pmElizabeth
have fun watching zack fck janice in illinois...adios
=)


I realized that Liz was the one that had been attacking my formspring and she confirmed it.

After she wrote that I called tammy. I told her i wanst mad for her telling Liz. I just wanted to know what she was ging to do to defend me. After all I was her best friend. WOuldnt she take my side when I ddint say or do anything hurtful like Liz did?I didnt give her low blows about the boy she loves. I dint call her names or provoke her ina ny way. I didnt even lie to her. So why wouldnt tammy take my side? Tammy said she didnt want to have anythting to do with it anymore. WHAT?! shes the one who started the fight b tellling Liz that I hated her. And she wouldnt defend me? NO. thats not what friends do. Well maybe thats what other best friends do but its not what I do. I stand up for my friends because I love them and theyre like my family. If tammy was in my postion and I in hers I would have slapped Liz and told her to apoligize to Tammy or never speak to me again. I told Tammy that I wasnt going to be friends with someone who would let someone hurt me like that and just watch instead of helping me. And I told her if she wouldnt we wouldnt be friends. She didnt respond. I havent spoken to her. I have barely even looked her in the eyes since. I miss her. You have no clue how much. Its like someone took away something I thought I was going to have forever. like a body part. And they just cut it off. I see them everyday together. And guess what? I was right. Liz sits in my spot now right next to tammy. on the bus and as her new best friend. And she looks so damn happy. And Im stuck trying to figure out when my "best friend" stopped caring about me. I wish I had been wrong. I wish tammy would come to me and want to be friends again. But i can never be frineds with someone who would do that to me. No matter how much I want to...but I stare at tammy sometimes and wishshe would come over and tell me she was sorry. that she did care and missed me too and wanted to be friends again. but I dont think she will. Because the way she acts I never mattered to her.

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Apr. 30th, 2010


My mind, as I have told you before, isnt like anyone elses. Its an insane place. Full of comotion and turmoil, a dangerous sea of churning thoughts and emotions, darting from one place to another so quickly that I question wether the thought passed through my mind at all. However lately my head seems to be being pulled by a stong magnet, always drawn to one place. Zach. Zach. Zach. It gets so bad that I worry that one day I'm just gonna explode on the spot from the constant thought. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. I'll just be looking out the window as my moms driving me to school and I see a spiderman billboard.Zach. I'll hear a song between classes at school. Zach. I'll see a preview for a new movie I know he wants to see. Zach. I'll be dancing at prom with my date and pretend he's someone else for a few moments. Zach. There will be a cool breeze and I'll shiver and wish for a boy to wrap his arms around me and protect me from the wind. Zach. It's like he's all I CAN think about. Zach. Zach.Zach. Its awful. And if I could control it...idk. I dont really like ifs very much. I wish I could be with him. I think I could live normal if I could just be able to call him mine. Thats all I want right now. Is to be able to look someone in the eye and tell them that I'm taken, and I'm in love with MY man. but I cant because hes not mine, I'm not taken. But I do love him. and boy does it hurt. so I have a wish tonight despite thats its past 11:11. I wish for you to be mine, Zachary. Please be mine. I can wait as long as I have to as long as I know that one day you will be mine

Head injuries cause heartbreak

Before I tell you the next part of my story i gotta tell u a side story. The day I found zach again on facebook(right b4 he told me he still loved me) i was telling him about how my parents were fighting and i felt like i was gonna cry. he said no i love spiderman and im gonna be just like him and come save you. That cheered me up and I told him that I'll dye my hair read and be his Mary Jane. Stuff has changed alot in these past months but that will always be the same. I will always be his Mary Jane and he will always be my spiderman. It was a mutual desiscion  *sigh* and the drama continues.....not long after i wrote my last post zach told me he had something to telll me...he had swelling around his brain and would need surgery to relieve the pressure. and guess what. he cant come to florida. as soon as he said that i was about to be done. I even started to push him away right after he told me...
him: i gots some bad news babe...
me:(just knowing) ur not coming down
him:i cant.(explains the sergury)im so sorry
me:maybe its a good thing then. at least u get to stay with janice.(dumb "fiance")
him: no. i still love you mary jane
and that was it you know? now theres no way he can get rid of me. bc if he rly didnt love me he would have dropped ne then. but he didnt he held on and so now i have come to a very very hard part of my life. I have to love a boy whos with a girl and theres no hope of him leaving her and coming down this summer. Or even the next. I already decided that I would go see him this summer. Then this winter. and any other time I  have the money to fly up and see him. Hes stoked that I'm coming, always talking about how he wants me to come now. but my visits wont rly help the distance thing...the visits r just a band aid. Now you have to understand. Im addicted to him. Im obsessed. Im infatuated. whateve you want to call it I have it. I WANT him so unbelieviably bad. In every way. I love him so much it hurts.....so I have to find a way to be with him. In 2 years I think Im going to move up there. Yes. Im going to give up my whole life for this stupid boy who stumbled into my heart when I was 6 and will never leave. He asked me to do it. But I already was considering it. And when I asked him if that he would like it if i moved up there he said he would love it. He said it 3 times. he rly wants it...but i told him that if i came up there he would have to make a choice between me and janice. and he said he knew. Idk why I put up with him sometimes but then I think of all the reasons I love him and its ok.


Theres a slightly darker side to our story though. With his "fiance" and sometimes we just don't get along. Him and I have always had our little spats but....then i didnt know I love him and since hes not here  cant rly fight with him right. we start to fight and the he just gets mad and tried to say things that will push me away because the distance hurts him. And I beg him not to and apoligize over and over again for things that arent really my fault. If we were face to face about these things I wouldn't be like that. I have never been a submissive person. but if i fight back then he just has more of a reason to push me away. So what can I do? ....nothing. i cant do anything differently right now. I just have to suck it up and take it. Im sacrificing my preide and a lil of my self respect when I do this but...i think he just may be worth it.

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Zachary Valderrama reenters my life

Yeah yeah, I know im a horrible, awful person who doesnt keep up with her journal :P. but oh well iI have returned and i think im gonna start writing in u more bc my life is so journal wrothy lol. No im being serious. Im in love. with a person that actually loves me too. haha howwww did that happen???? well let me start form the beginning. and by the beginning i mean 5th grade....

I sat on the swing watching zach talk. Usually I piped in every now and again but not today. Today I was completely under his spell. I cant remeber what he was talking about but I loved the way his face lit up. Like whatever it was was just the best thing in the world. 5 years Ive knew this kid. He had just turned 11 with sandy brown hair and brown eyes. He was barely taller than me and we were both always being teased. If you had asked us if we liked eacother we wouldve denied it. Because we werent together...not anymore. I was awoken from my nostalga by a crackle from mr.brocks radio. Zach kept talking but I was staring at Mr.Brock waiting. He put the handheld close to his ear listening to the voice on the other end. my heart started pounding. I felt like I was gonna be sick. Somebody was about to go home and Zach and I were the only ones left. "Zach!" Mr.Brock called. Zach turned around to look at Mr.Brock. "Your parents are here" Zach truned back to me and smiled "bye amanda" I couldnt say anything but he was already turned around already walking away. TOday was the last day of extended day.This was the last time I would see him. We were going to different middle schools. I would never see him again. I would never hug him I would never hold his hand...I would never kiss him again. My voice still wouldnt work but my legs took over. I was off the swing stumbling after him clumsily but he was already half way across the playground. "Zach!" I cried finally. He stopped and turned."W-whats your phone number?" He looked confused and looked back over his shoulder. "I have to go" he decided, frowning. Then he smiled and turned away to start runing towards the school. He raised his arm in the air in a wave and said "look me up in the phone book. Then he was gone. I sat down and cried right there in the sand. There was no way I would ever find him. I had absolutely no clue how to spell his last name. And the worst part was, now that he was gone I realized how much I loved him.

It's been almost 7 years. At first I had this idea in my head that we would just randomly meet up when we were all grow up. Him a pilot me a vet. we'd see eachother and fall in love and get married. lol i know its crazy but I was 10 and I hvae always had a fantastic imagination. After a while I guess I grew up outta that. I started thining it would be cool to see him again but i only fantasized about it. In the back of my mind somewhere I knew for that I really would never see him again. Then I was just sitting there 1 night talking to a friend of mine about first loves. And he came up. Of course he did. I may not have knownit when I was 10 but I was totally head over heels for the boy. And I had looked for him so many times before...on facebook on myspace. I couldnt find him anywere. And then I was talking about him and I typed his name as best I could into FB search and......there he was. Zachary Valderrama. My childhood sweetheart was all grown up. It was still Zach but he had a football uniform on. I added him and he added me back and it just built from there. He lives in illinois now. He has a girlfriend(sometimes) hernames Janice. Im not too big a fan of their relationship *sigh* ...and that first night 2 months ago today he told me he loved me. Yeah this jock in illinois with a gf told me he still loved me after 7 years. I didnt say it back at first I was sooo afraid I was being played. But I already was heels over head for him. ppl I barely knew were asking why I was so happy all the time. Its bc I finally fund him. The boy I want to spend the rest of my life with. Hes coming to Florida and he isnt bring her with him. He wants to get together, and so do I sooooo badly, we text all day everyday adn talk on the fne at least once a week. We sext like crazy lol. espeacially recently. yeah i know im such a bad girl lol. and i have fallin for somebody who isnt available *sigh*. but I love him so unbearably much that that doesnt matter. It will when he comes down, but it doesnt right now.

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Aug. 10th, 2009

Wow it's been froever. But hey, I'm here now, aren't I?

Anyways, Ryan and I aren't speaking again. He stood me up a couple of weeks ago and I was completely humiliated. Then he sent me this ms message asking asking me out again. stupid boy. And guess what I do, I say yes. Then i "accidentily" stand him up. Awesome! now he probably thinks I don't like him, or maybe he's mad. I don't know and I'm getting kinda sick of it. I don't like him anymore, not like I did. Teric called me yesterday and I wasn't as happy about it as I probably should have been. Espeacially since he said that I should be happy that we can't talk anymore, since a while ago i said maybe we needed a little space from each other. I don't know how i feel. I'm not sure if I want to talk to him or not. For the first time in my life I want someone to save me, from all of this. My parents, my friend, my LIFE. So if that guy, the one for me, is out there somewhere, now would be a good time to show yourself. After all I am already in love with you......... 

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Writer's Block: Teen Time Machine

If you could be a teenager living in any decade, which one would you choose?
The 1890s!!! I love the southern gowns a nd stuff.

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peace
blackcatlover92
blackcatlover92

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